Who comes at night to destroy the peace we give?
What are the names of those
who come to reek havoc upon our creation? I will tell you who they are that dance
a dastardly deed of down-trodden disgust upon our
work...Friends, Composers, Those who play by ear...Lend my you ears!...

1. They are the annoying children who plunk at the piano keys
whilst you attempt to compose.
Who monotonously jab at a single note
forcing an ear-piercing ring.

2. They are the cups of coffee, so idiotically placed
upon the piano (as if it were a cafe table), that stain every dot and title,
every sharp and flat, and ruin those magically placed
notes of peace. They corrupt the very atomic
structure leaving a brown stain wherever they trod.
Such is an Abomination!

3. They are the unmerciful and thoughtless neighbors,
who live above, beneath, or to each side, which deafen themselves
with the continual thrash of a 17,000 WATT multifaceted,
surround sound, 425 cd-changing, mega-death machine.
These spreaders of infected ear
drums cause malicious and evil beats to pervade and
disintegrate the very music we try to create.
We cannot concentrate when such evils surround our dwelling place.

4. They are the wretched pens which run out of ink
in-betwixt the etching of a note, line, or piece.
Whose mystical qualities are quenched at the very moment of inspiration.

5. They are the nagging family members, who assume
you play, write, or enjoy it too much.
Whose only desire is for the TV, that most gruesome box of violence.

6. They are the hordes of newly engaged lovers, who wish you to play at their wedding,
even if you live thousands of miles away.

7. They are the laborious school assignments, and the daily work place,
whose only purpose is to draw you away from the content peace of the piano.
That horrible busy-work which fosters nothing but hand-cramps and
hunger of the stomach. Such things constitute a waste of linear time.

And so you ask... What shall we do then, to such
ostentatious individuals?
What punishment will fit their crime?
We must revolt, and begin to use the only ammunition we possess:
the rope and the piano. Let us go forth and drop very heavy pianos
upon the unwonted and the nagging.
Let the annoying brats scream beneath the pressure of
a Steinway, Yamaha, Upright, or Grand.
Let the pens tremble at the sight of such a mighty weapon of war.
Let terror and dread fill the hearts of every man, woman and child.
Arise my fellow pianists and see the potential energy of a gravitationally weighty PIANO!!!